So here’s the thing, twenty years ago I thought forty was Almost Dead. I was so cocky, so secure in my conviction that I knew everything. Well, now, here I am, and I’m approaching the Almost Dead age and the only thing I am really sure of at this point is how much I have yet to learn. I do know a bit, to be fair, I’ve travelled some, and I’ve had proper, grown up career-type jobs, and I’m a mum, so you know I’ve ticked quite a bit off the bucket list already. I’ve succeeded a lot, and I’ve stagnated a lot, and I’ve failed a lot. Quite spectacularly at times.
Often I am moved or incensed, frustrated or excited by a news story, a song, a line of prose, an anecdote I hear on the train, or by something I see in the street, but I am an observer rather than a participant. The events unfolding around me do not involve me, and yet they may stay with me for days or weeks afterwards, hovering on my sub-conscious with nowhere to land.
Such is the human condition I guess, that is why we consume art, to be taken to places, to see, to hear, to taste and to feel things we have never done in reality. To live vicariously through the experiences of others. I find this intensity of experience everywhere, at times it feels like I feel life at a ferocious heat, a fever pitch which often leaves me speechless; sometimes in awe, often in despair.
Sometimes it feels like there are just too many thoughts, and not enough words, to make sense of them all. I guess in the past I have believed that life is about the constant pursuit of something, of chasing a goal, and when achieved, that’s it- you drop anchor and stay there. That is the point where you find peace and contentment.
It is only now, as I approach my fourth decade, that I begin to realise how naive I have been about life. Life is fluid, constantly in flux, what fitted last year may not this year. It is about change and movement, it is about the journey, rather than the destination. This then is somewhat of a travel journal. I am not sure where we’ll end up, but you’re welcome along for the ride…